Beautiful Monarch Butterfly at Okanagan lake
-Photo credit Samantha Panter

The Weight of Words: Accusations and Fractured Identity

"You don’t look Native, are you sure you are?" These words, more accusation than question, have haunted me throughout my life. Each utterance chipped away at my already fractured sense of self, triggering a struggle with an inner truth. It dissolved my security with knowing and understanding who I am, and I had nothing to build myself upon to lift myself up.

As a Registered Massage Therapist, working very closely with people I have lived in a fearful state being outed or accused of any number of things. In University and College, it was the same experience; once they knew you were Indigenous, the script was changed.

My experience was, people were more reactive to me, and I was immediately treated differently. Suddenly it was like my fears and worries were being broadcasted and everyone could read them. I felt trapped in a vicious cycle of fear and judgment that led me to feel a deep and heavy shame.

The Indigenous Paradox: Grieving and Judgment

As an Indigenous person, I felt this heavy burden of grief, and it was layered with this theme of not being good enough; it may have come from having a non-Indigenous parent. This seemed to compound and make this belief that:

“I wasn't Indigenous enough to grieve”

or feel anything.

It was a relentless wind tunnel, pulling me deeper into a sense of disconnection and isolation. The feeling of being an outsider within the very communities I lived in left me looking through glass, a sensation immortalized for me by Stone Sour's "Through Glass." The lyrics served as a haunting soundtrack to my life, capturing the pain and offering a rare validation of my experiences.

This amazing song seemed to capture the very essence of how I was feeling.

The totem poles from Gwaii Haanas, Haida Gwaii
-Photo credit Canva

The Fragile Glimmer: Finding Hope Amidst Despair

In the depths of despair, a tiny spring of hope began to bubble within me. The song, "Through Glass," became a lifeline, a reminder that someone understood my pain, someone saw me, and more importantly someone had experienced what I was feeling. That's all I was seeking: to be seen and not with conditions or fears, just a witness to me, my existence, and my feelings.

With this glimmer of recognition, I found the strength to breathe again. To focus on the possibility that things, my life could get better.

It started with small victories as I struggled to identify three positive aspects of my life. It was a challenge to find even one thing because my focus was so directed towards what was wrong or bad in my life. That was a sobering realization to wake up to.

Emotional Turmoil: Navigating the Depths of Sadness and Anger

The realization that it took considerable effort to find those positives fueled a range of emotions, from sadness to anger and depression. However, it ultimately sparked commitment—commitment to escape the wind tunnel that was, in reality, a creation of the storm in my mind. I had to take charge of my mind, my heart, and what I chose my thoughts to focus on.

Seeking Serenity: The Uphill Battle to Calm the Mind

My commitment was to start with calming my mind, a formidable uphill battle. Seeking guidance, because I knew this could not be done on my own. Like the lyrics to the song, knowing that the songwriter knew was a comfort and a source of strength.

“When the student is ready, the master or teacher will appear,"

became my reality.

I know I had to connect and sit with others who also knew and understood the battle. I turned to elders in various communities and engaged with individuals I deeply respected. Some became mentors, guiding me through my tumultuous journey, while others left a brief but resonating impact.

Many I still keep in touch with to this day, and they are there to hold a beautiful space for whatever I need in that moment. It is an infinitely valuable asset to have.

Transformation Unleashed: Turning the Tide on Pain

With a resolve and steadfast commitment to invest in myself and my healing. The investment started as hours, days, months, and turned into years; I gradually turned the tide on my pain. I used that pain as a motivator, and that made it a valuable asset and resource to create something new; K’waahlgahlda.

K'waahlgahlda, meaning "changing the tide," emerged from this transformative process. It was my beacon of hope and kept my faith alive and thriving through some of the darkest moments of my life, so far.

K'waahlgahlda stands as a save haven, and a guiding post that provides a safe space for others caught in their own wind tunnels. A place to be witnessed without fear and judgment. It is a space for resting and renewing yourself, giving you tools so you may navigate the storms of life with more ease, grace, and joy.

Second Beach Skidegate, Haida Gwaii
-Photo credit Canva

Reflecting on Resilience: Lessons from the Storm

In reflecting on this tumultuous journey, I find lessons in resilience, the power of music, and the unwavering strength found within. The storm may rage, but within its chaos lies the potential for transformative change, self-discovery, and the creation of something beautiful out of pain. Embrace the scars, see the beauty within them, and celebrate how they have shaped you and your viewpoint of life.

Self-Reflection: A Call to Action

Now, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own journey. Consider the storms you've weathered and the scars you bear. How have they shaped you? What beauty lies within your own story of chaos and pain?

Take this opportunity to celebrate your resilience and the transformative power that resides within you.

You are not alone on this journey; your story is unique, powerful, and worthy of acknowledgment. Embrace it, learn from it, and allow it guide you toward a more peaceful and purposeful existence.

The Beauty of Scars: From Chaos and Pain to Peaceful Living